Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Man, The Myth, The Poedophile.

Disclaimer: You should probably not believe most of this stuff. Probably.

Today, 1836 years after his lord and savior was crucified, Edgar Allen Poe became [the hero of] R. Kelly, the self-proclaimed "Pied Piper of R&B."

Peddy Ed Poe,” as he was later known, was 27 when he married his prepubescent 13-year old cousin, Virginia “Aaliyah” Clemm, in a Presbyterian church. They wrote on the marriage certificate that she was 21, blatantly lying in the face and in the house of their Lord and Savior.

Afterward, they went on their honeymoon to try to make some mentally disabled babies. Through divine intervention, they didn’t succeed at getting down with that syndrome. Rumor has it she was cursed with never finishing puberty.

Thank the Lord, who apparently decided to not do any savior-ing. Rather He was blamed by some for striking Virginiaaliyah down with the disease that affected many incessantly incestuous harloteens of the 19th century—Tuberculosis.

Virginia, unrepentant even on her deathbed, told her Peddy Bear that after she died she’d be his guardian angel. Due to the depth of their sins, R. Peddy wasn’t so sure about this. It’s said in many pagan circles that Poe performed a voodoo ritual that would one day bring him and his beloved back from the grave to perform pop music.

The ritual consisted of urinating on a voodoo doll while singing the magic words “I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. You and me [ooh baby] shall nah nah nah never die!”

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