Saturday, October 18, 2008

Goth Chicks: The Dark Hippy? or Zombie Poser?

Disclaimer: I'm joking. So don't take this blog seriously.

A horror is something that is horrible and horrific.
But a terror, although is terrible, is not terrific, right?
I digress. Anyway to the subject of discussion:

So in the spirit of Hallowe'en, keep an eye out for horrorists. We are at war against horrorism. The horror level has been raised to orange. And black.

I bet goth chicks hate Hallowe'en. I mean, this is the only time when they're just not different. I mean, if you walk around life all fucking year long looking like a zombie or a nosferatu then why don't you just off yourself to see if you'll reanimate. That way you won't be a poser. Because goth people are the ultimate posers by's because they are ALIVE. I mean, biologically, at least.

If I went to the skateboard park wearing skate shoes and sitting on a skateboard, then I'd be a poser. So if you wanna really not simply look like the undead, but be a hardcore zombie then off yourself and get the hell up. Pun intended because all unintended puns are intended. That's the point. See I'm pretty sharp. No pun intended.

Or you could choose to slice your jugular and hope a vampire with a good set of nostrils gets the scent and decides to fall in love with you right then and there before you die due to blood loss. But the chances are slim for that happening because you're dressed so ugly. And vampires don't like goth chicks. This is a known fact.

Vampires are very elitist and superficial. And if you're not happy, say, with your outside appearance, you may want to say, do something about that before you go off being stuck that way for ETERNITY! I'm just saying, play some montage music, exercise, get that healthy look and then undie yourself. Nobody would take an overweight Vampire seriously. I mean, I've never seen one. Vampires are very superficial. In fact they'd probably choose the head cheerleader in your school over you.

I'm not saying there aren't any hot goth chicks. There are. They'd just be hotter if they didn't make me want to practice necrophilia. What?

Or if you'd rather zombify yourself, break into CDC and raid some of those deeper levels for the good biohazardous stuff. Boy, you'd be a zombie in no time. Look what it did for her:

Okay, so here is your instant zombie concoction. I just invented it.
Warning: Don't really do this. Not ever.

Zombie Cocktail:
1 oz. of Crack Cocaine
1 oz. of Heroin
10 grams of Methamphetamine
10 tabs of Acid
1 pint of vodka. Stoli wil do.
1 teaspoon of hot sauce. preferably Tabasco.
1 teaspoon of vinegar.
1 teaspoon of homeless bum piss
1 dollop of urban pigeon shit
a squirt of your own blood

Okay so you mix this all up. Heat it till simmering. Drink it. [see warning about not actually doing any of this.]
And you will be a zombie. No more posing for you. No more of you getting mad because people don't know you're dressed regularly because it's Halloween.

Now I know it will taste like hell. That's the point. Taste hell and nothing but delicious brains for you until the end of all time. Yum. Unless of course you get decapitated.

But remember...before you go into the world of thoughtlessness that is a zombie and finally get peace from your tortured existence, you must know one thing: You will never again afterward write another of your stupid dark, depressing poems. Hmmm, on second thought...hurry and drink up.

And why don't they just harvest zombies as a renewable energy source. Put them fuckers on a hamster wheel and tie a dangling piece of brain in front of them and we have power forever. Right before people die, zombify them and put they asses to work. That'd lower gas prices real quick.

And if you have now decided to become a zombie to help save the environment (because goth chicks are smart and could be considered "Dark Hippies") then I will dedicate the following poem to you:

It's titled:
Yo' Brain Look Like Lo Mein

You are a tree hugger of a dead tree o' life
Pain, O woe, strife a slow knife
It seems so wrong, but like three lefts, so right.
Your soul is dark, yet your face so utterly, pointlessly white
Like Mike
reanimated into action
but should not be
Mo' brain, mo' brain, mo brain
Is your only thought
...brain noodles look like lo mein
Now undead you'd loathe a loaf a bread
Mo brains, mo brains they look like lo mein
Much like cocaine go straight fo' brain
yo brain yo brain look like lo mein
no pain, no gain
you must drink the zombie cocktail
if you want to have no shame when you eat mo brain
like lo mein...slurp.

Monday, October 13, 2008

My War on Terror, you bitch ass human.

Every year the terror increases.
If it ain't one thing, it's something else scaring the bejeezus out of you punk ass humans.

…If it wasn’t aliens,
it was the communists.

If it wasn’t communists,
it was a race war.

If it wasn’t the Race War,
it was The Big One. The earthquake that was to take off the east coast of the U.S. (which should’ve hit by now if I remember correctly.)

Well, let’s bring to present day. From the very first day of the new millennium…
If it ain't Y2K,
it’s African killer bees.

If it ain't African killer bees,
it's Bird Flu.

If it ain't Bird flu,
it's SARS.

If it ain’t SARS,
it’s global warming.

If it ain't global warming,
it's so-called terrorists.

If it ain't terrorists,
it's the fucking economy.

Does anyone other than me see a fucking pattern here?
Did I forget nuclear war?

Did I forget an asteroid hitting?

Did I forget Jesus is coming?

Did I forget we need Tsunami detection systems off the coast of the U.S.? I mean, because it'll give us enough time to evacuate the entire eastern seaboard before it hits.
Wait. Did I forget to tell you muhfuckas how much of a bitch I think you all are? I mean, all of you are scared whiny pussies.

The moral to this story? The War on Terror, in m opinion, is not a war on terror at all. It's a war of terror. And if any government was at war against terror, then they'd simply tell us to not be afraid. Instead they're saying the exact opposite. They're saying Be afraid. be very afraid. Be so fucking afraid that you'll beg us to protect you.

Well here's a bit of knowledge. No one can protect you. Especially from yourself. Especially from your own fears. And fear, as we Jedi know it, is a path to the dark side. But the problem is you're also afraid of the dark.

And like DMX said: It's dark. And hell is hot.

Oh, I forgot. There's hell to be afraid of. I mean, you ain't even safe in the afterlife. They even tell you to be afraid of God. I love God. Love doesn't equal fear to me.

So the ironic thing is this: You bitch ass humans are so afraid to die that you're afraid to really live. And so you die...afraid even at the very end.

Not me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Wolverine caught having unprotected sex with crackwhores.

What good is Spider-Man, say, if he is in a hick town, without tall buildings to swing from? None. You can’t get very far swinging from barns and trailer homes and shit like that. At least not in some parts of Georgia. He's gonna have to run. Really fast. Especially with that New York accent and mask that ain’t white and pointy. Boy, Ricky Ted and Jimmy Rick will hang you with that fancy city slicker web stuff of yers. “Look, boys! We done cawt ourselves a noo yoke myootint. Ain’t that like a homer sexual or something? In his tight pervert outfit. It ain’t fittin’ he running ‘round here like that all ungodly, shooting goo on everythang.”

Spider-Man, although not given much credit, is as at least as smart as Batman. Peter Parker started off as a scientist. In the comic book, his web-slinger was a contraption he built, with limited amount of liquid webbing that solidified when it mixed with oxygen. Because The Spider-Mobile would neither look cool, nor sound cool. And Peter Parker is broke. He couldn't afford to hide it, let alone build it. Besides, I don’t think Peter ever owned a car, so he probably can’t drive.

But he did an amazing job on his costume. Strange he didn't become a fashion designer. And Spider-Man wouldn't look too hot in a cape. Good call, Petey. And smarter than Batman to cover your entire face. But you have no shoes. What’s with that? You really ain’t gonna outrun them truck driving rednecks. They watch too much NASCAR and Dukes of Hazzard. And they carry shotguns. Bullets are a lot faster than ninja stars and shit that most villains throw at him.

Hold up. Why doesn't Spider-Man and all his cognitive abilities make a bullet proof, scratch resistant spidey suit? Hmm…Batman has more common sense. I mean, protect yourself, Spidey. You don’t even have on something to stop you from getting kicked in the balls. I mean, you don’t need to be having kids anyway.

I'm also happy there’s no CSI in the comics Universe. Otherwise all these heroes would be caught real quickly. We'd have cloned super soldiers for war. Like Captain America, whose "super" power is he’s strong and fast as a human could possibly be. By the way, he just got shot in the head and killed. How ironic.

So you know what I'm thinking, right? If Cap'n America was as strong and fast as a human could possibly be--without actually being super--then they illustrated him wrong. I'm thinking someone that strong would be a lot, well, bigger. Like disgustingly, mutant big. And would have no dick. A dick would only slow him down. And if you're going to create a super soldier, wouldn't it be better to make a human as smart as a human could possibly be and then just inject yourself? What a waste of technological resources in the Marvel and DC universes. Oh, yeah, in this universe too.

And it would suck to be The Hulk. Two words: No Dick.
I'd be angry too if I were him. And the madder he gets, the stronger and bigger he gets and the smaller his dick gets. So his strength is technically infinite. But how angry can one person get and how can this anger be measured? And if he (if possible) can get infinitely angry, then his dick can get infinitely small. And if he gets infinitely stronger, then his eyes get infinitely strong enough to see how small it’s infinitely gotten. Because smallness is infinite. It wouldn’t even reverse and turn into a pussy. It’d just be microscopic. And Betty, Bruce Banner’s girlfriend ain’t gonna like that. You’d better calm your ass down Hulk and help Bruce get laid.

I mean, because when Marvel created She-Hulk, she still had her proper parts, if you know what I mean…and was hot! I’d do her. Well actually, no, I change my mind. She might get to having an orgasm and squish goes the banana. Oh well. There goes that fantasy. But there is always Wonder Woman. Her tall Amazon ass. I mean, if she ain’t want us to look, then why is her jet invisible? I mean, we CAN see her. Not as discreet as she’d like it to be. I can hear those pilots now, “Target locked on bogey with big tits at three o’clock!”

Extra She-Hulk note: Good thing her titties don’t get infinitely smaller when she gets mad. She is always in She-Hulk mode. Good thing. Otherwise when she got to PMS-ing… Not a good look. And thank goodness she ain’t one of those masculine feminists either.

But back to Hulk. Anger equals Hulk. Why not just take Xanax or Ritalin. Or get stoned, dude. I mean, you’re walking around the world looking for a cure to being the grows freely all over. And you can get it for medical use in Cali. And what you have IS a medical condition. You’re also a doctor. You can write your own prescription. With grass you're guaranteed to stay calm. I never seen a hippie get mad. Except at Babylon and their boss at the organic coffee shop for buying beans from a grower that uses child labor and pesticides. So the more green he puts in his body, the less green his body will become. Logic.

I digress.

Hmm. Every hero I spoke about thus far has a science background. I see a pattern here. Scientist = Superhero. Clue #1. If I were to psychoanalyze this, I’d say it’s just geek insecurity. They’ve always been pushed around, made fun of, been the outcast and now here’s their turn to shine, get the hot chick and kick ass. Period. I’m okay with that.

Side note: I’m very good at science. And wanted to be one when I grew up. Strangely enough, I dress like a superhero.

Iron Man is smarter than Batman. Richer. Happier. And he is so arrogant, he’s free to say fuck a secret identity. Bitch, I’m Tony Starks, scientist, playboy…Iron Man. Iron Man has bigger fish to fry than Batman. Oh, I gotta save Gotham! Man, aliens are attacking. What the fuck is Batman gonna do? I mean, all he really does is scare people, but never kill them. Pussy. Iron Man wrecks shop with laser guns and missiles. They should team up. Playin’ and slayin’.

But I like Wolverine. Let me tell you why. He doesn't have a secret identity. Just don't fuck with him. He doesn't have a regular job. Just don’t fuck with him. He doesn't even know his origins. He ages really slowly because his cells regenerate stupid fast. He can’t get sick. He smokes a shit ton of cigars. And--peep this--inhales them. Because he can't get lung cancer. He can fuck any broad he wants with no condom. He could fuck a raggedy lip crack whore and have the time of his life, if he so chose. But he has far better taste than that. In the comic book, he banged Storm aka Halle Berry. And in the movie Swordfish he fucked Halle Berry, the only movie she ever showed her tits in.

Wolverine has a skeleton covered with Adamantium--a rare metal that only exists in the Marvel Universe, which once cooled, is unbreakable.

Wolverine, like Spider-Man, can scale walls. But Wolvie does it with razor sharp retractable claws. He was born with them. How cool is that? He just stabs and slices people. And he calls everyone “bub.” “Hey, bub, you fucking with Jean Grey?” Chop, slice…done. And how cool is his name? Wolverine. I mean, it doesn’t end with “Man,” either. Although, he is an X-Man. And, he’s no scientist, geek and has always been cool. He even makes lamb chop sideburns look cool. And that’s not easy.