Thursday, December 20, 2007

Gaytime TV. Can I say gay?

School is out for the holidays. So I came home early today and did something I haven't done in so long. I turned on the TV.

There was a show on called This reality show has detectives with cameras following around a supposedly cheating mate. Then the person being cheated on jumps out of a van when the cheater is with the other person and proceeds to cry, yell or beat someone up. Of course this is being egged on by this very concerned host who just wants to help people find solutions. Strange how slow the security guards are to stop the pummeling. I just wanted to spray Tilex in the host's face. Why do they call them hosts, when they're more like the parasite?

Then I noticed the commercials. I'm in advertising, so I keep an eye on such things. Okay, no, I don't. But I did notice all the commercials in daytime TV are geared towards the lazy, the elderly and the injured.

For the lazy people, you have the commercials trying to get you to make your credit worse by paying tuition to some low-life "accredited" institution that'll show you how to be a nurse's assistant.
Do you think I'm going to fucking go to college to learn how to assist a fucking nurse?!!! Isn't the nurse the assistant to the doctor? So I'm a certified assistant's assistant!? As if all my life I've dreamt of being a nurse's assistant. It's just as good as being a doctor, just without the law suits, prestige, respect and high paying salary.

Then the elderly. Do you need more mobility? Well, fuck yeah! My good for nothing kids won't come visit me and the media shoves Bob Barker (who unlike me, is my age and can walk and shit by himself and get laid) down my throat all day. No wonder I'm fucking crazy and think the world sucks. And the Judge shows. Hey, let's see which poor white trash redneck or high ranking member of the Ghettoise plaintiff will win $500 from a defendant to get a fresh start in life. Things are looking up from here. To celebrate we're going to the strip club tonight! And I'll spend the rest on that nurse's assistant program.

Then the injured. If I'm sitting in this bed injured after a car accident and I don't have a lawyer by now, then I'm too stupid to know how badly the Dick & "Ass"ociates ambulance chasers are going to fuck me over. Hey, my spine is severed in twenty-seven places, but after lawyer, hospital and living expenses, I have $5000 leftover to spend on this new accredited college to learn courtroom stenography. And exit the life of the Ghettropolis. After I hit up the strip clubs with my boys! And maybe get a nice pair of spinning rims on my Geo Metro. I'm ballin, dog!


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

To offend all of humanity

It is impossible for a hermaprodite to be a transvestite or homosexual. Unless it has anal or oral sex with someone with no reproductive organs. Fondling counts, too.

And it can't clone itself by impregnating itself. But you can tell it to go fuck itself. And if I were one, I'd fuck myself. I'd think it'd be better than masturbation. Or could you consider it masturbation? I mean, snails do it. And they impregnate themselves. That's sick.

And are you gay if you masturbate, since technically you're messing around with the same sex?

Can a dwarf also be hermaphrodite?
Can siamese twins be hermaphrodite? Then they'd be fraternal. Impossible?
now this opens up a whole new can o'worms.

Okay, siamese twin hermaphrodite midgets (Can I say midget?) with one or two sets of or two?

If I've offended you, then you need to know that I have siamese twin midget hermaphrodite friends, so that doesn't make me...what's the word for people who are "racist" against midget siamese twin hermaphrodites? I'm not a midgetist, a siamese twinnist, or a hermaphroditist! I'd even hire one (2?). Unless, of course, they were Black.

I don't hire blacks. In fact, I fired myself. And then sued myself for my old job and won. I took the money and bought a case of malt liquor and impregnated 10 different girls with first names that end with "-ika," "-isha" and "-ita."

By the way, when I run for president, I'm going to promise equality to all midget siamese twin hermaphrodites and punish all parents who name their children anything thing that ends with "ika," "isha" or "ita." That includes, "-avius" and "-tell". And Betty. And men shouldn't be nicknamed Pat or Dick. Oh, sorry, Pat.

And at my inauguration speech, I'll thank my baby mommas and my kids, Shyquanika, Quanisha, Raynita, Quantavius, Martelle, Sautee, Tilapia, Becky, Polly and Biff. I'll pour lil liquor out for the niggas who ain't here. And then I'll instate White Slavery. It'll only be temporary. Because after that I think we can all just move along pass this racial shit.

I'll also make myself vice president. So just in case I get assassinated, I can take over office.


I am hosting a new sports event this summer. It's called the Dumbolympics.
You'll have to qualify first by submitting answers to the following questions:

1. Is meth a good source of vitamin X?
2. Are mobile homes really mobile?
3. Do you find three-story buildings too difficult to read?
4. Do you know for a fact that Jesus wore a mullet?

If you answered yes or no to any of those questions, then you've qualified.

Now the fun part. These are just a few of the games you can participate in:

1. Bobbing for Piranhas - Floss your teeth really hard before playing.

2. Noose Bungee Jumping - Said noose will be made of copper wire for your safety.

3. Loogie Catching - hock a big nasty one, spit it high up and your partner catches it in their mouth. Do this back and forth...whoever does this the most without missing, wins all the loogie in the competition!

4. DodgeCar - played on the biggest field ever - THE HIGHWAY!

5. Rattlesnake Relay - instead of batons, we use Rattlers! yeehaw!

6. Then our closing musical event is a KKK parade through a New Orleans ghetto!

*If you wish to participate in or events try-outs are at noon o'clock AM. Sharp.