Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Colored folk don't tip?!?!

Here's a joke about black folk tipping(I just made it up):

How much do you tip on a hundred dollar tab?
Five dollars. (plus whatever coins less than quarters that are left over, since you paid in cash.)
How much do you tip at Waffle House?
One dollar. Two, if after exiting the club at 3a.m. (keep your coins, if you're sober).
How much to you tip at a strip club?
Make it rain! I'm buying the bar, trick!

I don't mean to make fun of my melanin-enhanced brothers and sisters...okay, well, I do. I mean, most stereotypes are true, so I'll make fun of this one.

A fly lands in your soup. You've finished eating though. Sheeeeeiitt--free meal, boyeeee!
The waitress bumps you accidentally? Free meal, homie.
That isn't a bone in your salmon, fool. That's a free meal coupon!

But why settle for these old tricks in the digital era. We need to step our game up, mayne! Shit, a black man might be president. Don't make him (or you) look bad with your two-bit scams.

I'm inventing a new product for all you cheapskates. It's guaranteed to get you 100% free meals in any restaurant. One star. Five star. A galaxy of stars...shit, you're gonna get a free meal with my (patent pending) SuperMegaFreeMeal-a-Getter,Biatch.

It's a business card holder that keeps strands of straight blonde hairs for restaurant use. Not the "Lil Kim" kind. But the Scandanavian / Aryan Princess kind from chicks named Olga and Helga.

So peep the scenario:

You and your dark(preferably kinky)haired friend walk in (This works better if you have dreads).

You sit down. You get your food. Don't worry if the server does anything else wrong. It may help your case later. Trust me.

You pull the waiter over and say quietly (like you are a civilized gent or lady) "Oh, there's a hair in my soup. I'm very sensitive about such issues. May I have another." Make sure the food is untouched.

The waiter will bring you new food. No worries. But wait! Look! You gotta get just a little ghetto on their ass. "Okay, this food is new and you bring me another with some blond bimbo's hair in it? Who's cooking back there? Barbie?"

Repeat, if necessary.

"Third time...get me the gotdam manager. Plus you bumped me earlier." But don't make too much of a scene. Just enough for a few judgmental caucasians to look over.

"A free meal did you say? Well, okay then. I really need to get over my fear of hair."

As you leave make sure you say, "I'm never coming back to this fucked up place again." That is until you're ready to cash in that free meal coupon!

Also I got patents pending on the following items available soon:
Box O'Flies: Laboratory created and already dead for sanitary, worry-free handling.

Rat Droppings Like It's Hot: They come in an easy to dispense Tic Tac-like box. Just shake and fake!

And much, much more...callers are standing by. At the last pay phone booth on Earth.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Stop hatin' on Bush?

This blog is about gangsta rappers who hate on G. Dubs.

Okay, so gangster rapper specimen "A" who generally raps about being hated on, shooting haters, making money illegally (or through rapping), selling drugs, committing crimes, being a "boss," etc. decides to hate on Bush. Does anyone see the hypocrisy in that?

Look here, punk ass...Just because Bush got a bigger gang than you, more gats, is a bigger boss, and got some sick nonsensical slang and better game, don't be hating. He's just on his grind. He ain't even gotta leave his office and can wipe out all of his enemies or a country...or the world. Shit, he's got all the dope money, from cocaine in Colombia to opium in Afghanistan, so you can't tell him shit about this game, homie. But you hatin'.

Shit, he's at least never going to jail. You've been to jail. You brag about it on your rap songs. The same song you use to snitch on yourself. All these rappers who been to jail before, I never hear them talk about getting ass fucked. I guess that part wasn't so cool.

Bush can send people such as the IRS, DEA, FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, CBS, FOX and NBC to your house right now and confiscate your life, dummy. You fuckers talk about money and power and hoes and clothes...nigga please. You ain't got shit on Bush. You should be looking up to him. You should be kissing his ass just to learn how to run such game. Fake ass baby gangstas wasting your time spitting nursery rhymes. Bush ain't never been shot nine times. Shit, the worst physical pain he's ever gone through was falling off that gotdam Segway.

Okay...tis all. Don't hate the player. Change the game, bitches. Be a real gangster like G. Dubya.