Tuesday, November 20, 2007

To offend all of humanity

It is impossible for a hermaprodite to be a transvestite or homosexual. Unless it has anal or oral sex with someone with no reproductive organs. Fondling counts, too.

And it can't clone itself by impregnating itself. But you can tell it to go fuck itself. And if I were one, I'd fuck myself. I'd think it'd be better than masturbation. Or could you consider it masturbation? I mean, snails do it. And they impregnate themselves. That's sick.

And are you gay if you masturbate, since technically you're messing around with the same sex?

Can a dwarf also be hermaphrodite?
Can siamese twins be hermaphrodite? Then they'd be fraternal. Impossible?
now this opens up a whole new can o'worms.

Okay, siamese twin hermaphrodite midgets (Can I say midget?) with one or two sets of genitalia...wait...one or two?

If I've offended you, then you need to know that I have siamese twin midget hermaphrodite friends, so that doesn't make me...what's the word for people who are "racist" against midget siamese twin hermaphrodites? I'm not a midgetist, a siamese twinnist, or a hermaphroditist! I'd even hire one (2?). Unless, of course, they were Black.

I don't hire blacks. In fact, I fired myself. And then sued myself for my old job and won. I took the money and bought a case of malt liquor and impregnated 10 different girls with first names that end with "-ika," "-isha" and "-ita."

By the way, when I run for president, I'm going to promise equality to all midget siamese twin hermaphrodites and punish all parents who name their children anything thing that ends with "ika," "isha" or "ita." That includes, "-avius" and "-tell". And Betty. And men shouldn't be nicknamed Pat or Dick. Oh, sorry, Pat.

And at my inauguration speech, I'll thank my baby mommas and my kids, Shyquanika, Quanisha, Raynita, Quantavius, Martelle, Sautee, Tilapia, Becky, Polly and Biff. I'll pour lil liquor out for the niggas who ain't here. And then I'll instate White Slavery. It'll only be temporary. Because after that I think we can all just move along pass this racial shit.

I'll also make myself vice president. So just in case I get assassinated, I can take over office.


I am hosting a new sports event this summer. It's called the Dumbolympics.
You'll have to qualify first by submitting answers to the following questions:

1. Is meth a good source of vitamin X?
2. Are mobile homes really mobile?
3. Do you find three-story buildings too difficult to read?
4. Do you know for a fact that Jesus wore a mullet?

If you answered yes or no to any of those questions, then you've qualified.

Now the fun part. These are just a few of the games you can participate in:

1. Bobbing for Piranhas - Floss your teeth really hard before playing.

2. Noose Bungee Jumping - Said noose will be made of copper wire for your safety.

3. Loogie Catching - hock a big nasty one, spit it high up and your partner catches it in their mouth. Do this back and forth...whoever does this the most without missing, wins all the loogie in the competition!

4. DodgeCar - played on the biggest field ever - THE HIGHWAY!

5. Rattlesnake Relay - instead of batons, we use Rattlers! yeehaw!

6. Then our closing musical event is a KKK parade through a New Orleans ghetto!

*If you wish to participate in or events try-outs are at noon o'clock AM. Sharp.