Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Creation of Jobs

On this day, one thousand nine hundred and fifty-five years after Christ allowed himself to be treated harshly because of a woman alive millennia before him bit a forbidden fruit of knowledge of good and evil, Steve Jobs was born. And he was good.

But he was seduced by the dark side—also known as LSD—and dropped out of college. He then went to India to search for spiritual “enlightenment” through pagan rituals and “paying respect” to graven images of laughing fat Asian men dressed like pimps.

The LSD gave him malevolent multi-colored pixilated visions. He wanted to project these on to children, so he left India and became a video game maker. With this he could control their minds and destroy the symbol of their humanity—the opposable thumb.

But he was just getting started. In the year 1984, using the symbol of the original evil (the aforementioned forbidden fruit of smartness), he founded Apple Computers. He launched the empire with a TV commercial (during the Super Bowl, no less) depicting a sexually charged armed woman disrupting a peaceful gathering of cancer patients watching an inspirational movie. She smashed their movie screen with a sledgehammer. Bitch.

Apple then set in motion what we know as the graphic user interface—computer screens with "icons" you can click on to do stuff. He used this to dominate all human interaction with computers--effectively enslaving humanity to computers. These interfaces are inseparable from living. Banks, hospitals, power plants, and military...there is no escape from it.

Then there was the iPod. And no one was immune to the subconscious message sent by U2’s Bono The Irish Gandhi’s writhing silhouette iPod TV commercial.

But Jobs' job was not done. He was quoted as saying: "I would trade all of my technology for an afternoon with Socrates."

And you know what that means. He's building a time machine. And when it's complete he'll open a rift in the space/time continuum causing a temporal paradox that’ll reverse the universe back into Nothingness. And his purpose will be fulfilled.

We cannot let this happen.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Taint Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, the day on which we celebrate love, romance, depression, guilt and regret.
The holiday is named after Christian priest, St. Valentine, who was martyred on 14 February, 269 years after Christ was crucified in Rome--the place where the word "romance" originates, ironically...

The tradition of exchanging love notes on Valentine's Day originates from Valentine himself. I don't know who started the whole buying flowers, chocolates, jewelry, teddy bears and dinner. But if Valentine started that, then I can understand why he had to be made an example of.

Anyway, due to a shortage of enlistments, Emperor Claudius II forbade single men to get married in an effort to get more recruits in the army. Most of the other Roman priests gaily went along with this plan of keeping the boys separate from girls. And of course, being ancient Rome, the army had a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Everyone Already Knows" policy.

Seeing this act as mean and unholy, Valentine performed secret wedding rituals in defiance of the emperor.
He was discovered, imprisoned, and sentenced to death by decapitation. While he was losing his head in jail, Valentine fell in love with the daughter of a prison guard, who would come and visit him. I don't know why a prison guard would let his daughter visit a hardened criminal, but anyway...

On the day of his death, Valentine left a note for the young woman professing his undying devotion signed "Love from your Valentine." I guess it isn't hard to tell a woman you'll love her for the rest of your life if you're about to head off to the afterlife. But the Romans were not finished with the dead romantic. Like Christmas and Easter, they then stole the holiday legacy from him, and gave it to a naked winged boy named Cupid, who shot arrows into your heart. Since then love forever became synonymous with pain.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

El Libro de la Cara

Today. 2004. Mark Zuckerburg launched what was at first called "The Facebook". These days it's known simply as Facebook, or WaceTime.

The website's name comes from the student directory book with names and photos that's distributed to incoming students at many universities.

Harvard sophomore Zuckerburg, a comp-sci major, had gotten the idea for doing an online facebook when he was slightly drunk on a Tuesday night. He'd just been dumped by his now regretful girlfriend and was looking for a distraction.

Whereas most college kids would probably opt for the less savory stimuli of the net, he got off by a hackjob into the Harvard database, copying photos from dorm lists and putting them online onto The Facebook, of which he wrote the code.

In its first few hours of operation, hundreds of potential Illuminatus Skulls & Bones members, I mean--Harvard students, used it to look at over 20,000 photos of their classmates.

A few days later, the site was shut down by Harvard and Zuckerburg was charged with a number of disciplinary things, including violating privacy rules and breaching security. They dropped the charges for some reason, then called him to a secret initiation of blood sacrifice with a virgin monkey, and to set up the secret plan for dominating the world through status updates and pointless sharing.

Today, about 350 million addicts around the world actively abuse Facebook as a Social NOTworking tool. And now gajillionaire Mark Zuckerberg can get any half-naked girl's picture to chat with him. For free.