Saturday, February 21, 2009

The True Origin of Grimace the Purple Blob.

Okay, first of all, for those of you who remember Grimace, what the fuck is he?

According to Wikipedia--"The character [Grimace] was initially developed due to complaints about no minorities being present in McDonaldland." Yeah, because fat, stupid purple blob-creatures were complaining about not being represented by Earth's most fattening fast food chain. Chain?

Also according to Wikipedia, while they were deciding to add a token obese purple blob to their roster, Grimace's original form was, and I quote, "Originally...the 'Evil Grimace', with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes." So a fat, stupid, thieving purple blob with an underdeveloped conjoined twin was McD's solution to racial complaints? Sweet.

So to not offend stupid, purple blobs or the Siamese, MickDee's decided to represent Grimace "as a well-meaning simpleton." Thank you again, Wikipedia. You're ALWAYS right and incorruptible.

This is my version of the true origin of Grimace the Menace and why you should keep your kids away from clowns:

Graham was just a regular little American kid. You know, watched a lot of TV, a future of obesity, and loved his McDonald's. On his 7th birthday, his parents gave him a party at McDonald's! Yayyyy! And guess who showed up? You guessed it! Ronald the devil-haired-Stephen-King's-They-All-Float-Down-Here "IT" killer-clown-from-Outer-Space-Poltergeist-Juggalo-John-Wayne-"not the Duke"Gacy-McDonald.

(by the way, there is obviously a connection between clowns and evil. Remember that, kids. The exception is the Joker, who's still a psychopathic homicidal maniac.)

Anyway, so Ronald asks the boy, "What do you want for your birthday, little Graham?"

The little boy replies, "I want to come with you to McDonaldland!"

"Are you sure you don't want to go to Never Never Land or Narnia?" asked the white devil, his yellow fangs reminiscent of the golden arches of death.

"Never Land is for fairies and Narnia has too many critters who talk too fucking much. I want to drink milkshakes all day," was the young dummy's reply.

So Ron McDonny takes the kids to the playground and gives Graham a special burger and says, "Eat it all. To escape this world, you have to burst out of the seams and rip the threads of the fabric of space and time, which exists around your waist. Then you must travel through the magic door in the playland slide tube.

So Graham hungrily eats. And he starts to get bigger. And bigger. And goes to the slide tube and gets stuck. He starts crying for help. He gets stuck so much he can hardly breathe, his blood vessels swell and he begins to turn purple. One of the other kids named "Ace" tried to pull him out, but both got sucked into a vortex. While getting royally discombobulated in the space-time continuum, they heard Ronald's evil voice taunting them, "Graham! Ace! Gra-ham burger...Ace. Graham...Ace...Graham, Ace...Grimace! Hahahahahhaaaaa." Graham and Ace merged into the hulking violet mass of glop known as Grimace.

So the four-armed Graham-Ace arrived in McDonaldland. Fat. Purple. Dumb as ever, due to the competing total minds of the two confused half-wits, Grimace just grimaced.

"Now you dumb sonuvabitch, you will do my bidding," roared the Clown Prince of Darkness. "You look like a big piece of purple dung."

To be continued...
Episode Two: Enter the Hamburglar aka Calvin! Oh, you don't know who Calvin is? Just wait. Next episode is a can't miss.