Friday, October 22, 2010

The Pet Poop Police

Contrary to what would normally seem obvious, NYC sidewalks aren't made of concrete. They're made of centuries-worth of layers of a dog shit. New Yorkers let their canines crap anywhere.

Those days = Over.

Introducing a new agency in Homeland Security:

The Pet Poop Police.

Or more uncleverly known as PPP.
Do not call them the Poo-leese.

First we'll start a DNA registry of all dogs at:

The Department of Dog DNA.

For lack of options, also known as the DDD...yet another agency in Homeland Security.

Dog DNA will be collected at pet purchase or birth and saved in a supercomputer database at DDD headquarters.

Register your canine. Or be fined.

Whenever there's unpicked poop on pedestrian premises, the PPP agent takes a sample of the pungent poo and sends it to the DDD. The DDD traces the doo doo dung directly to the dog owner, and fines them the amount it'd cost to keep them in jail for a month...while keeping them in jail for a month. With their dog.

If you're caught in the act of non-poopscoopianism, your dog will be lightly sauteed in garlic butter and fed to the homeless.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Are You Self-Gay?

A really weird, possibly made-up discussion

Someone:  If you masturbate, then technically you're having sex with yourself.

Hunter:  True. I think.

Someone:  Well, that makes you gay. Or bisexual.

Hunter: I don't know exactly what it is that YOU think about while jerking off, but I ain't thinking about me.

Someone:  The guys in prison ain't thinking about the soap-dropper.

Hunter:  Yeah, but masturbation isn't exactly self-rape.

Someone:  Well, did yourself ask yourself if it was okay to do that to yourself?

Hunter:  Well, I didn't put up much of a fight. I'd say it was mutual consent.

Someone:  Well, what if you met yourself from a parallel dimension and you two had synchronized psychic brains? Would you jerk him off?

Hunter:  Maybe. That wouldn't make me gay. That'd make me a multi-dimensional traveler experimenting with the fabric of time and space. At that point, all rules of experimentation are off the table. Dude, if you had a f@cking multiple personality disorder, and one of them was a hot chick would you have a wet dream with her? I mean, hell, man...shut up.

Someone:  Well, would you suck your own c@ck?

Hunter:  What?! Dude. No. Conversation. Over.

Someone:  I mean, you drink your own saliva. That's like tongue kissing yourself. You're totally self-gay! You think you're pretty hot, don't ya, huh?

Hunter: If I called you a b!tch and smacked the sh!t out of you, would that be like hitting a woman?