What good is Spider-Man, say, if he is in a hick town, without tall buildings to swing from? None. You can’t get very far swinging from barns and trailer homes and shit like that. At least not in some parts of Georgia. He's gonna have to run. Really fast. Especially with that New York accent and mask that ain’t white and pointy. Boy, Ricky Ted and Jimmy Rick will hang you with that fancy city slicker web stuff of yers. “Look, boys! We done cawt ourselves a noo yoke myootint. Ain’t that like a homer sexual or something? In his tight pervert outfit. It ain’t fittin’ he running ‘round here like that all ungodly, shooting goo on everythang.”
Spider-Man, although not given much credit, is as at least as smart as Batman. Peter Parker started off as a scientist. In the comic book, his web-slinger was a contraption he built, with limited amount of liquid webbing that solidified when it mixed with oxygen. Because The Spider-Mobile would neither look cool, nor sound cool. And Peter Parker is broke. He couldn't afford to hide it, let alone build it. Besides, I don’t think Peter ever owned a car, so he probably can’t drive.
But he did an amazing job on his costume. Strange he didn't become a fashion designer. And Spider-Man wouldn't look too hot in a cape. Good call, Petey. And smarter than Batman to cover your entire face. But you have no shoes. What’s with that? You really ain’t gonna outrun them truck driving rednecks. They watch too much NASCAR and Dukes of Hazzard. And they carry shotguns. Bullets are a lot faster than ninja stars and shit that most villains throw at him.
Hold up. Why doesn't Spider-Man and all his cognitive abilities make a bullet proof, scratch resistant spidey suit? Hmm…Batman has more common sense. I mean, protect yourself, Spidey. You don’t even have on something to stop you from getting kicked in the balls. I mean, you don’t need to be having kids anyway.
I'm also happy there’s no CSI in the comics Universe. Otherwise all these heroes would be caught real quickly. We'd have cloned super soldiers for war. Like Captain America, whose "super" power is he’s strong and fast as a human could possibly be. By the way, he just got shot in the head and killed. How ironic.
So you know what I'm thinking, right? If Cap'n America was as strong and fast as a human could possibly be--without actually being super--then they illustrated him wrong. I'm thinking someone that strong would be a lot, well, bigger. Like disgustingly, mutant big. And would have no dick. A dick would only slow him down. And if you're going to create a super soldier, wouldn't it be better to make a human as smart as a human could possibly be and then just inject yourself? What a waste of technological resources in the Marvel and DC universes. Oh, yeah, in this universe too.
And it would suck to be The Hulk. Two words: No Dick.
I'd be angry too if I were him. And the madder he gets, the stronger and bigger he gets and the smaller his dick gets. So his strength is technically infinite. But how angry can one person get and how can this anger be measured? And if he (if possible) can get infinitely angry, then his dick can get infinitely small. And if he gets infinitely stronger, then his eyes get infinitely strong enough to see how small it’s infinitely gotten. Because smallness is infinite. It wouldn’t even reverse and turn into a pussy. It’d just be microscopic. And Betty, Bruce Banner’s girlfriend ain’t gonna like that. You’d better calm your ass down Hulk and help Bruce get laid.
I mean, because when Marvel created She-Hulk, she still had her proper parts, if you know what I mean…and was hot! I’d do her. Well actually, no, I change my mind. She might get to having an orgasm and squish goes the banana. Oh well. There goes that fantasy. But there is always Wonder Woman. Her tall Amazon ass. I mean, if she ain’t want us to look, then why is her jet invisible? I mean, we CAN see her. Not as discreet as she’d like it to be. I can hear those pilots now, “Target locked on bogey with big tits at three o’clock!”
Extra She-Hulk note: Good thing her titties don’t get infinitely smaller when she gets mad. She is always in She-Hulk mode. Good thing. Otherwise when she got to PMS-ing… Not a good look. And thank goodness she ain’t one of those masculine feminists either.
But back to Hulk. Anger equals Hulk. Why not just take Xanax or Ritalin. Or get stoned, dude. I mean, you’re walking around the world looking for a cure to being the Hulk...it grows freely all over. And you can get it for medical use in Cali. And what you have IS a medical condition. You’re also a doctor. You can write your own prescription. With grass you're guaranteed to stay calm. I never seen a hippie get mad. Except at Babylon and their boss at the organic coffee shop for buying beans from a grower that uses child labor and pesticides. So the more green he puts in his body, the less green his body will become. Logic.
Hmm. Every hero I spoke about thus far has a science background. I see a pattern here. Scientist = Superhero. Clue #1. If I were to psychoanalyze this, I’d say it’s just geek insecurity. They’ve always been pushed around, made fun of, been the outcast and now here’s their turn to shine, get the hot chick and kick ass. Period. I’m okay with that.
Side note: I’m very good at science. And wanted to be one when I grew up. Strangely enough, I dress like a superhero.
Iron Man is smarter than Batman. Richer. Happier. And he is so arrogant, he’s free to say fuck a secret identity. Bitch, I’m Tony Starks, scientist, playboy…Iron Man. Iron Man has bigger fish to fry than Batman. Oh, I gotta save Gotham! Man, aliens are attacking. What the fuck is Batman gonna do? I mean, all he really does is scare people, but never kill them. Pussy. Iron Man wrecks shop with laser guns and missiles. They should team up. Playin’ and slayin’.
But I like Wolverine. Let me tell you why. He doesn't have a secret identity. Just don't fuck with him. He doesn't have a regular job. Just don’t fuck with him. He doesn't even know his origins. He ages really slowly because his cells regenerate stupid fast. He can’t get sick. He smokes a shit ton of cigars. And--peep this--inhales them. Because he can't get lung cancer. He can fuck any broad he wants with no condom. He could fuck a raggedy lip crack whore and have the time of his life, if he so chose. But he has far better taste than that. In the comic book, he banged Storm aka Halle Berry. And in the movie Swordfish he fucked Halle Berry, the only movie she ever showed her tits in.
Wolverine has a skeleton covered with Adamantium--a rare metal that only exists in the Marvel Universe, which once cooled, is unbreakable.
Wolverine, like Spider-Man, can scale walls. But Wolvie does it with razor sharp retractable claws. He was born with them. How cool is that? He just stabs and slices people. And he calls everyone “bub.” “Hey, bub, you fucking with Jean Grey?” Chop, slice…done. And how cool is his name? Wolverine. I mean, it doesn’t end with “Man,” either. Although, he is an X-Man. And, he’s no scientist, geek and has always been cool. He even makes lamb chop sideburns look cool. And that’s not easy.