Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Before we begin, for all my non-American friends: "Tap that ass" is a slang term meaning to have sex with. Generally vaginally, but not always so. But you can surely see how it's a confusing slang term. Unless, of course, it was created by gay dudes. Whatever the case may be, my profuse usage of the term in this blog is obviously meant toward a woman. A really hot woman. You all know her as Angelina Jolie.

I hear the crowd cheering. But don't. I'm not here to give her many props at all. I'm here to, ahem, strip her of them. Or rather question her props.

I'm not questioning her hotness, I'm just questioning the last time she made an excellent movie?
Girl, Interrupted? Maybe Beowulf?
I mean, I liked Beowulf, but what has she really done as an actress other than be megafucking hot? Shit, if you saw the movie Beowulf, then you know that Anthony Hopkins and Beowulf did the right thing to tap that fine ass. Sheeeiiitttt...
Basically, the movie was like this: She says, "I will let you tap this ass, I will make you into an unconquerable king, provided your sperm is powerful enough to impregnate me with a demon spawn that will kill your people." Ummm...good deal. I mean, did you see her fine golden ass shimmering in that cave? Tell the villagers to kiss their sorry asses goodbye.

I digress. Let's get back to the point. Her sorry ass movies.
Tomb Raider...mediocre. But I would've tapped that ass.
Sky Captain...rubbish...but, exactly...I would've tapped that ass.
Wanted...Well, it wasn't. But I still want to...you know...tap that ass.

But I have heard rumor she's going to be in Atlas Shrugged.
Can someone say "redemption?" A movie I'd watch for sake of Ayn Rand, one of my heroines. And it'd better be good. You don't fuck with Ayn Rand. Y'all remember the last great author fiasco aka Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice. I'm sorry, I loved Aaliyah, but her acting and the movie sucked farts and nearly ruined all that was romantic and glorious about the Vampire Chronicles.

Back to the subject matter. Let's look at Angelina's counterpart Brad Pitt. I mean, Brad Pitt has done tons of great movies.

He's rather non-scandalous. He just makes good movies and keeps it moving. Except for that whole Jennifer Aniston error / era.

But Angelina. Well, she doesn't need to do great movies. Why? Because she's megafuckinghot, right? Wrong. Her ass needs to spend some of that money she always donating to charity and shit and get herself a better fucking agent. And then she'll rake in more dough, instead of sapping Brad. Because she can't go to daddy, Jon Voight. He don't like her. Maybe she can get some sugar daddy action from Billy Bob Thornton on the side. Nah, Brad's paid. And whipped. I can tell whipped cream on a banana split from the other side of a root beer float. The boy whooped, I say. So he can't think straight enough to tell her what she needs to do.

But if you ask me, they're planning something huge. In about five years, one of them is gonna run for president or something. Probably her.

But back to her movies. She's hot, but no hotter to me than Halle Berry or Natalie Portman. Except the latter two make great movies. Except that Catwoman shit. Sorry, Halle, but that flick was garbage with the french pronunciation.

Angelina is, however, a humanitarian and homewrecker and family builder.
Actually, I'd leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina anyday. Aniston just ain't hot. Sorry. She's just okay. I mean, I'd tap that ass, but only on an off day.
Regardless, Derailed and Office Space was 20 times better than any movie Jolie has made.

So what is the cinematic contribution to the world Angelina Jolie has accomplished that'll mark her legacy? A Shark's Tale? Kung Fu Panda? Shit, you can't even actually see her in those movies.

My point being Angelina is just going to have to step it up if she is going to go down in history as a great actress. Some say she'll be the Audrey Hepburn of our time. I disagree. Check out Nat Portman.

Angelina may end up being the female Mandela or something, but not the new Audrey Hepburn. Not with Natalie Portman kicking ass. I mean they both started young. But Nat started off right with Leon the Professional, Heat, Star Wars, Cold Mountain, Garden State, Closer, V for Vendetta, The Darjeeling Unlimited, and the SNL gangster rap video, bitches. She's written an article in Time Magazine. She graduated with honors from Harvard even.

If you ask me, Natalie Portman sure looks a lot like Audrey. I'd have to say Natalie IS the Audrey of our time. Superb actress. Superb hottie. And she's the on-screen mother of Jedis Luke & Leia Skywalker. It gets no better than that. And I'd tap that ass over Angelina...Anytime. Plus she love herself some Jedi. :) What a coincidence!

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