Saturday, October 18, 2008
Goth Chicks: The Dark Hippy? or Zombie Poser?
Disclaimer: I'm joking. So don't take this blog seriously.
A horror is something that is horrible and horrific.
But a terror, although is terrible, is not terrific, right?
I digress. Anyway to the subject of discussion:
So in the spirit of Hallowe'en, keep an eye out for horrorists. We are at war against horrorism. The horror level has been raised to orange. And black.
I bet goth chicks hate Hallowe'en. I mean, this is the only time when they're just not different. I mean, if you walk around life all fucking year long looking like a zombie or a nosferatu then why don't you just off yourself to see if you'll reanimate. That way you won't be a poser. Because goth people are the ultimate posers by default...it's because they are ALIVE. I mean, biologically, at least.
If I went to the skateboard park wearing skate shoes and sitting on a skateboard, then I'd be a poser. So if you wanna really not simply look like the undead, but be a hardcore zombie then off yourself and get the hell up. Pun intended because all unintended puns are intended. That's the point. See I'm pretty sharp. No pun intended.
Or you could choose to slice your jugular and hope a vampire with a good set of nostrils gets the scent and decides to fall in love with you right then and there before you die due to blood loss. But the chances are slim for that happening because you're dressed so ugly. And vampires don't like goth chicks. This is a known fact.
Vampires are very elitist and superficial. And if you're not happy, say, with your outside appearance, you may want to say, do something about that before you go off being stuck that way for ETERNITY! I'm just saying, play some montage music, exercise, get that healthy look and then undie yourself. Nobody would take an overweight Vampire seriously. I mean, I've never seen one. Vampires are very superficial. In fact they'd probably choose the head cheerleader in your school over you.
I'm not saying there aren't any hot goth chicks. There are. They'd just be hotter if they didn't make me want to practice necrophilia. What?
Or if you'd rather zombify yourself, break into CDC and raid some of those deeper levels for the good biohazardous stuff. Boy, you'd be a zombie in no time. Look what it did for her:
Okay, so here is your instant zombie concoction. I just invented it.
Warning: Don't really do this. Not ever.
1 oz. of Crack Cocaine
1 oz. of Heroin
10 grams of Methamphetamine
10 tabs of Acid
1 pint of vodka. Stoli wil do.
1 teaspoon of hot sauce. preferably Tabasco.
1 teaspoon of vinegar.
1 teaspoon of homeless bum piss
1 dollop of urban pigeon shit
a squirt of your own blood
Okay so you mix this all up. Heat it till simmering. Drink it. [see warning about not actually doing any of this.]
And you will be a zombie. No more posing for you. No more of you getting mad because people don't know you're dressed regularly because it's Halloween.
Now I know it will taste like hell. That's the point. Taste hell and nothing but delicious brains for you until the end of all time. Yum. Unless of course you get decapitated.
But remember...before you go into the world of thoughtlessness that is a zombie and finally get peace from your tortured existence, you must know one thing: You will never again afterward write another of your stupid dark, depressing poems. Hmmm, on second thought...hurry and drink up.
And why don't they just harvest zombies as a renewable energy source. Put them fuckers on a hamster wheel and tie a dangling piece of brain in front of them and we have power forever. Right before people die, zombify them and put they asses to work. That'd lower gas prices real quick.
And if you have now decided to become a zombie to help save the environment (because goth chicks are smart and could be considered "Dark Hippies") then I will dedicate the following poem to you:
Yo' Brain Look Like Lo Mein
You are a tree hugger of a dead tree o' life
Pain, O woe, strife a slow knife
It seems so wrong, but like three lefts, so right.
Your soul is dark, yet your face so utterly, pointlessly white
reanimated into action
but should not be
Mo' brain, mo' brain, mo brain
Is your only thought
...brain noodles look like lo mein
Now undead you'd loathe a loaf a bread
Mo brains, mo brains they look like lo mein
Much like cocaine go straight fo' brain
yo brain yo brain look like lo mein
no pain, no gain
you must drink the zombie cocktail
if you want to have no shame when you eat mo brain
like lo mein...slurp.