Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Creation of Jobs

On this day, one thousand nine hundred and fifty-five years after Christ allowed himself to be treated harshly because of a woman alive millennia before him bit a forbidden fruit of knowledge of good and evil, Steve Jobs was born. And he was good.

But he was seduced by the dark side—also known as LSD—and dropped out of college. He then went to India to search for spiritual “enlightenment” through pagan rituals and “paying respect” to graven images of laughing fat Asian men dressed like pimps.

The LSD gave him malevolent multi-colored pixilated visions. He wanted to project these on to children, so he left India and became a video game maker. With this he could control their minds and destroy the symbol of their humanity—the opposable thumb.

But he was just getting started. In the year 1984, using the symbol of the original evil (the aforementioned forbidden fruit of smartness), he founded Apple Computers. He launched the empire with a TV commercial (during the Super Bowl, no less) depicting a sexually charged armed woman disrupting a peaceful gathering of cancer patients watching an inspirational movie. She smashed their movie screen with a sledgehammer. Bitch.

Apple then set in motion what we know as the graphic user interface—computer screens with "icons" you can click on to do stuff. He used this to dominate all human interaction with computers--effectively enslaving humanity to computers. These interfaces are inseparable from living. Banks, hospitals, power plants, and military...there is no escape from it.

Then there was the iPod. And no one was immune to the subconscious message sent by U2’s Bono The Irish Gandhi’s writhing silhouette iPod TV commercial.

But Jobs' job was not done. He was quoted as saying: "I would trade all of my technology for an afternoon with Socrates."

And you know what that means. He's building a time machine. And when it's complete he'll open a rift in the space/time continuum causing a temporal paradox that’ll reverse the universe back into Nothingness. And his purpose will be fulfilled.

We cannot let this happen.


  1. the usual brilliant prose of a brilliant mind. please publish a book - i'll translate it for ya. Stay blessed, E.-

  2. you"re such a witty geek! love it

  3. "And no one was immune to the subconscious message sent by U2’s Bono The Irish Gandhi’s writhing silhouette iPod TV commercial." - Um what was the subconscious message..? :S (seriously asking)

  4. Marcymente, the message was "If you want to be even half as cool as my silhouette, then you must buy an iPod. Otherwise you will experience lameness to such a degree you will get vertigo." :)