How much do you tip on a hundred dollar tab?
Five dollars. (plus whatever coins less than quarters that are left over, since you paid in cash.)
How much do you tip at Waffle House?
One dollar. Two, if after exiting the club at 3a.m. (keep your coins, if you're sober).
How much to you tip at a strip club?
Make it rain! I'm buying the bar, trick!
I don't mean to make fun of my melanin-enhanced brothers and sisters...okay, well, I do. I mean, most stereotypes are true, so I'll make fun of this one.
A fly lands in your soup. You've finished eating though. Sheeeeeiitt--free meal, boyeeee!
The waitress bumps you accidentally? Free meal, homie.
That isn't a bone in your salmon, fool. That's a free meal coupon!
But why settle for these old tricks in the digital era. We need to step our game up, mayne! Shit, a black man might be president. Don't make him (or you) look bad with your two-bit scams.
I'm inventing a new product for all you cheapskates. It's guaranteed to get you 100% free meals in any restaurant. One star. Five star. A galaxy of stars...shit, you're gonna get a free meal with my (patent pending) SuperMegaFreeMeal-a-Getter,Biatch.
It's a business card holder that keeps strands of straight blonde hairs for restaurant use. Not the "Lil Kim" kind. But the Scandanavian / Aryan Princess kind from chicks named Olga and Helga.So peep the scenario:
You and your dark(preferably kinky)haired friend walk in (This works better if you have dreads).
You sit down. You get your food. Don't worry if the server does anything else wrong. It may help your case later. Trust me.
You pull the waiter over and say quietly (like you are a civilized gent or lady) "Oh, there's a hair in my soup. I'm very sensitive about such issues. May I have another." Make sure the food is untouched.
The waiter will bring you new food. No worries. But wait! Look! You gotta get just a little ghetto on their ass. "Okay, this food is new and you bring me another with some blond bimbo's hair in it? Who's cooking back there? Barbie?"
Repeat, if necessary.
"Third time...get me the gotdam manager. Plus you bumped me earlier." But don't make too much of a scene. Just enough for a few judgmental caucasians to look over.
"A free meal did you say? Well, okay then. I really need to get over my fear of hair."
As you leave make sure you say, "I'm never coming back to this fucked up place again." That is until you're ready to cash in that free meal coupon!
Also I got patents pending on the following items available soon:
Box O'Flies: Laboratory created and already dead for sanitary, worry-free handling.
Rat Droppings Like It's Hot: They come in an easy to dispense Tic Tac-like box. Just shake and fake!
And much, much more...callers are standing by. At the last pay phone booth on Earth.
fuuuuunnnny.
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