Before we begin, for all my non-American friends: "Tap that ass" is a slang term meaning to have sex with. Generally vaginally, but not always so. But you can surely see how it's a confusing slang term. Unless, of course, it was created by gay dudes. Whatever the case may be, my profuse usage of the term in this blog is obviously meant toward a woman. A really hot woman. You all know her as Angelina Jolie.




I hear the crowd cheering. But don't. I'm not here to give her many props at all. I'm here to, ahem, strip her of them. Or rather question her props.

I'm not questioning her hotness, I'm just questioning the last time she made an excellent movie?
Girl, Interrupted? Maybe Beowulf?
I mean, I liked Beowulf, but what has she really done as an actress other than be megafucking hot? Shit, if you saw the movie Beowulf, then you know that Anthony Hopkins and Beowulf did the right thing to tap that fine ass. Sheeeiiitttt...
Basically, the movie was like this: She says, "I will let you tap this ass, I will make you into an unconquerable king, provided your sperm is powerful enough to impregnate me with a demon spawn that will kill your people." Ummm...good deal. I mean, did you see her fine golden ass shimmering in that cave? Tell the villagers to kiss their sorry asses goodbye.



I digress. Let's get back to the point. Her sorry ass movies.
Tomb Raider...mediocre. But I would've tapped that ass.
Sky Captain...rubbish...but, exactly...I would've tapped that ass.
Wanted...Well, it wasn't. But I still want to...you know...tap that ass.

But I have heard rumor she's going to be in Atlas Shrugged.
Can someone say "redemption?" A movie I'd watch for sake of Ayn Rand, one of my heroines. And it'd better be good. You don't fuck with Ayn Rand. Y'all remember the last great author fiasco aka Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice. I'm sorry, I loved Aaliyah, but her acting and the movie sucked farts and nearly ruined all that was romantic and glorious about the Vampire Chronicles.

Back to the subject matter. Let's look at Angelina's counterpart Brad Pitt. I mean, Brad Pitt has done tons of great movies.


...etc.
He's rather non-scandalous. He just makes good movies and keeps it moving. Except for that whole Jennifer Aniston error / era.

But Angelina. Well, she doesn't need to do great movies. Why? Because she's megafuckinghot, right? Wrong. Her ass needs to spend some of that money she always donating to charity and shit and get herself a better fucking agent. And then she'll rake in more dough, instead of sapping Brad. Because she can't go to daddy, Jon Voight. He don't like her. Maybe she can get some sugar daddy action from Billy Bob Thornton on the side. Nah, Brad's paid. And whipped. I can tell whipped cream on a banana split from the other side of a root beer float. The boy whooped, I say. So he can't think straight enough to tell her what she needs to do.

But if you ask me, they're planning something huge. In about five years, one of them is gonna run for president or something. Probably her.

But back to her movies. She's hot, but no hotter to me than Halle Berry or Natalie Portman. Except the latter two make great movies. Except that Catwoman shit. Sorry, Halle, but that flick was garbage with the french pronunciation.

Angelina is, however, a humanitarian and homewrecker and family builder.
Actually, I'd leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina anyday. Aniston just ain't hot. Sorry. She's just okay. I mean, I'd tap that ass, but only on an off day.
Regardless, Derailed and Office Space was 20 times better than any movie Jolie has made.

So what is the cinematic contribution to the world Angelina Jolie has accomplished that'll mark her legacy? A Shark's Tale? Kung Fu Panda? Shit, you can't even actually see her in those movies.

My point being Angelina is just going to have to step it up if she is going to go down in history as a great actress. Some say she'll be the Audrey Hepburn of our time. I disagree. Check out Nat Portman.



Angelina may end up being the female Mandela or something, but not the new Audrey Hepburn. Not with Natalie Portman kicking ass. I mean they both started young. But Nat started off right with Leon the Professional, Heat, Star Wars, Cold Mountain, Garden State, Closer, V for Vendetta, The Darjeeling Unlimited, and the SNL gangster rap video, bitches. She's written an article in Time Magazine. She graduated with honors from Harvard even.

If you ask me, Natalie Portman sure looks a lot like Audrey. I'd have to say Natalie IS the Audrey of our time. Superb actress. Superb hottie. And she's the on-screen mother of Jedis Luke & Leia Skywalker. It gets no better than that. And I'd tap that ass over Angelina...Anytime. Plus she love herself some Jedi. :) What a coincidence!

Colored folk don't tip?!?!

Here's a joke about black folk tipping(I just made it up):

How much do you tip on a hundred dollar tab?
Five dollars. (plus whatever coins less than quarters that are left over, since you paid in cash.)
How much do you tip at Waffle House?
One dollar. Two, if after exiting the club at 3a.m. (keep your coins, if you're sober).
How much to you tip at a strip club?
Make it rain! I'm buying the bar, trick!




I don't mean to make fun of my melanin-enhanced brothers and sisters...okay, well, I do. I mean, most stereotypes are true, so I'll make fun of this one.

A fly lands in your soup. You've finished eating though. Sheeeeeiitt--free meal, boyeeee!
The waitress bumps you accidentally? Free meal, homie.
That isn't a bone in your salmon, fool. That's a free meal coupon!

But why settle for these old tricks in the digital era. We need to step our game up, mayne! Shit, a black man might be president. Don't make him (or you) look bad with your two-bit scams.

I'm inventing a new product for all you cheapskates. It's guaranteed to get you 100% free meals in any restaurant. One star. Five star. A galaxy of stars...shit, you're gonna get a free meal with my (patent pending) SuperMegaFreeMeal-a-Getter,Biatch.

It's a business card holder that keeps strands of straight blonde hairs for restaurant use. Not the "Lil Kim" kind. But the Scandanavian / Aryan Princess kind from chicks named Olga and Helga.





So peep the scenario:

You and your dark(preferably kinky)haired friend walk in (This works better if you have dreads).

You sit down. You get your food. Don't worry if the server does anything else wrong. It may help your case later. Trust me.

You pull the waiter over and say quietly (like you are a civilized gent or lady) "Oh, there's a hair in my soup. I'm very sensitive about such issues. May I have another." Make sure the food is untouched.

The waiter will bring you new food. No worries. But wait! Look! You gotta get just a little ghetto on their ass. "Okay, this food is new and you bring me another with some blond bimbo's hair in it? Who's cooking back there? Barbie?"

Repeat, if necessary.

"Third time...get me the gotdam manager. Plus you bumped me earlier." But don't make too much of a scene. Just enough for a few judgmental caucasians to look over.

"A free meal did you say? Well, okay then. I really need to get over my fear of hair."

As you leave make sure you say, "I'm never coming back to this fucked up place again." That is until you're ready to cash in that free meal coupon!

Also I got patents pending on the following items available soon:
Box O'Flies: Laboratory created and already dead for sanitary, worry-free handling.

Rat Droppings Like It's Hot: They come in an easy to dispense Tic Tac-like box. Just shake and fake!

And much, much more...callers are standing by. At the last pay phone booth on Earth.

Stop hatin' on Bush?

This blog is about gangsta rappers who hate on G. Dubs.

Okay, so gangster rapper specimen "A" who generally raps about being hated on, shooting haters, making money illegally (or through rapping), selling drugs, committing crimes, being a "boss," etc. decides to hate on Bush. Does anyone see the hypocrisy in that?


Look here, punk ass...Just because Bush got a bigger gang than you, more gats, is a bigger boss, and got some sick nonsensical slang and better game, don't be hating. He's just on his grind. He ain't even gotta leave his office and can wipe out all of his enemies or a country...or the world. Shit, he's got all the dope money, from cocaine in Colombia to opium in Afghanistan, so you can't tell him shit about this game, homie. But you hatin'.





Shit, he's at least never going to jail. You've been to jail. You brag about it on your rap songs. The same song you use to snitch on yourself. All these rappers who been to jail before, I never hear them talk about getting ass fucked. I guess that part wasn't so cool.

Bush can send people such as the IRS, DEA, FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, CBS, FOX and NBC to your house right now and confiscate your life, dummy. You fuckers talk about money and power and hoes and clothes...nigga please. You ain't got shit on Bush. You should be looking up to him. You should be kissing his ass just to learn how to run such game. Fake ass baby gangstas wasting your time spitting nursery rhymes. Bush ain't never been shot nine times. Shit, the worst physical pain he's ever gone through was falling off that gotdam Segway.

Okay...tis all. Don't hate the player. Change the game, bitches. Be a real gangster like G. Dubya.

Clubs of the night kind.

(Disclaimer at the very bottom Also, if you see red x's where pics should be, just hit refresh. It's funny that way)

A few nights ago on my best pal's birthday, I was forced to go to a club. And the DJ was horrible. He must've been on acid in a K-hole (google it). He kept spinning noise. No, really.  I mean, it was noise. A sort of on-beat warbly noise repeated incessantly.

I mean, are you supposed to dance to that? Or meditate until you reach Nirvana right there in the middle of the gotdam dance floor!? Maybe one of these druggie scenster /hipster posers might say, "Hey, this guy's cool because he spins weird noise and no one else spins weird noise."? Yeah, dude you're a fucking winner alright.

 

(Above: druggie / hipster / scenester posers you all know and love.)

Ladies, please stop by and give this guy a calloused handjob and say it's a gift from the bartender and a small crowd of vertical corpses. This bloody lamer deserved a fucking medal of honor for his display at jockeying his discs.

(See what they become after they're infected with "Noise" and coke?!)

I mean, if you're a DJ at a nightclub like that, fucking spin some shit to make the party people dance and be merry. This guy couldn't make a zombie move toward bloody brains from a freshly cracked skull of a super genius. He could get a bunch of epileptics* together and flash a strobe light while playing that bullshit, film it, send it to me first class mail and I'd still think it was special effects. *(No offense to any epileptics, of course. That's serious shit.)

So we left that club and went to another. It was disco night and this place was full of desperate chicks in slutty dresses looking to get laid and overweight gay dudes doing splits to "I Will Survive". I was not happy.

 

(No one is as overweightly gay as Pulitzer Prize-winning blogger, Perez Hilton, shown above.)

So I'm surrounded by sweaty, obese **homosexual men staring at me from every angle. I felt like they were infrared beams from S.W.A.T. snipers ready to take the shot. **No offense to homosexuals, either. I fight for all people's rights**

I just wanted to have a drink and talk with my friends and generally be left alone. I hate disco, too. (But not more than "noise".) Some desperate girl is trying to see if I'm gay or not because I'm dressed stylishly eccentric, the way I always am. Hey, if you want to think I'm gay because I don't want to talk to you, then believe what you will. I've got too much class to tell you it's because your dress is so tight your body hairs are looking like varicose veins underneath. You need to donate that blood to people who need it. (I'll leave out the picture of the veins.)

Plus our pheromones don't match.

And that severe case hyperhidrosis of the armpit. Maybe I should buy you a drink to cool you down? It'd be my pleasure. Bartender, some water please. No, tap will be fine. Yes, I know it's a FEMA-level drought here in Atlanta. But this is an emergency. This girl has lost all her hydration through her underarms and might slip on the floor!

Needless to say we made a quick exit.

So my best pal's new girlfriend makes the most brilliant decision. She takes us to this seedy karaoke bar in the Asian part of town (Buford highway for my ATLiens). And I tell you, I'd never karaoke'd before, but this was more fun than I've had in eons. Dude, four words - "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

no, I meant this one...

(No offense to zombies, epileptics, scenesters, hipsters, cokeheads, gays, lesbians, Negroes, S.W.A.T. snipers, Kurt Cobaine's corpse (be it undead or not.), Jockeys, Sweaters of the sweating kind and people with varicose veins)

Gaytime TV. Can I say gay?

School is out for the holidays. So I came home early today and did something I haven't done in so long. I turned on the TV.

There was a show on called This reality show has detectives with cameras following around a supposedly cheating mate. Then the person being cheated on jumps out of a van when the cheater is with the other person and proceeds to cry, yell or beat someone up. Of course this is being egged on by this very concerned host who just wants to help people find solutions. Strange how slow the security guards are to stop the pummeling. I just wanted to spray Tilex in the host's face. Why do they call them hosts, when they're more like the parasite?

Then I noticed the commercials. I'm in advertising, so I keep an eye on such things. Okay, no, I don't. But I did notice all the commercials in daytime TV are geared towards the lazy, the elderly and the injured.

For the lazy people, you have the commercials trying to get you to make your credit worse by paying tuition to some low-life "accredited" institution that'll show you how to be a nurse's assistant.
Do you think I'm going to fucking go to college to learn how to assist a fucking nurse?!!! Isn't the nurse the assistant to the doctor? So I'm a certified assistant's assistant!? As if all my life I've dreamt of being a nurse's assistant. It's just as good as being a doctor, just without the law suits, prestige, respect and high paying salary.

Then the elderly. Do you need more mobility? Well, fuck yeah! My good for nothing kids won't come visit me and the media shoves Bob Barker (who unlike me, is my age and can walk and shit by himself and get laid) down my throat all day. No wonder I'm fucking crazy and think the world sucks. And the Judge shows. Hey, let's see which poor white trash redneck or high ranking member of the Ghettoise plaintiff will win $500 from a defendant to get a fresh start in life. Things are looking up from here. To celebrate we're going to the strip club tonight! And I'll spend the rest on that nurse's assistant program.

Then the injured. If I'm sitting in this bed injured after a car accident and I don't have a lawyer by now, then I'm too stupid to know how badly the Dick & "Ass"ociates ambulance chasers are going to fuck me over. Hey, my spine is severed in twenty-seven places, but after lawyer, hospital and living expenses, I have $5000 leftover to spend on this new accredited college to learn courtroom stenography. And exit the life of the Ghettropolis. After I hit up the strip clubs with my boys! And maybe get a nice pair of spinning rims on my Geo Metro. I'm ballin, dog!

Sigh.